ADHD: When shame reigns your day
Today it happened. Someone said to me: "Your website and your Instagram channel don't have that much traffic yet!"
Whew, that was a punch in the gut! Although this person didn't mean it in a derogatory way at all and we had got on very well, one feeling arose immediately: shame!
I was ashamed that I hadn't been able to achieve as much as I had planned over the last few months. An inner conversation with myself immediately opened up, with which I tried to soothe myself: "You had a death in your family! You've moved to a new region! There were so many changes!" - Yes, it's true. There was a lot that made it difficult for me to stay focussed and build up this blog, for example.
There was an incredible amount of real upheaval and huge changes and yet my ADHD brain finds it so hard to believe these legitimate reasons. Believing not in the sense of cognitively understanding them, because "I know that everyone has turbulent times at some point", but understanding and accepting this with my entire being and all my being.
Instead, my overthinking ADHD brain works on constantly reminding me "that I haven't managed to do something as I had planned"
If you also have ADHD, then you probably often ask yourself the question: What the fuck? Or rather:
How are shame and ADHD connected?
Shame vs. guilt
The terms shame and guilt are often used together in psychological counselling.
For example, if someone commits a crime, the perpetrator is guilty of the offence, but whether they also feel guilty is another question.
A feeling of guilt is a social emotion that can consciously or unconsciously follow a wrong reaction, breach of duty or misdeed. Norms, rules and values often play an important role here, because depending on your personal interpretation of these norms, you may feel more or less guilty. Feelings of guilt arise when an action is judged as negative.
Shame, on the other hand, is an emotional reaction when you judge yourself negatively. There are different levels of this: from the situation in PE class where you perhaps didn't want to change in front of your classmates, to being embarrassed when you tried to flirt, to feeling ashamed on behalf of others (in German there is a beautiful word for that: Fremdschämen).
However, there is one form of shame that has a particularly strong effect on ADHD:
Primal shame or elementary shame
The psychoanalyst Leon Wurmser writes:
"The most radical shame is ultimately to offer oneself to love and to feel rejected as unworthy of love - to know oneself as not worthy of love and thus of the most essential respect. One is not seen, feels invisible in this individuality, deprived of respect."
This sentence touches me immensely, as I know how many ADHD sufferers often feel misunderstood and unseen, and how their self-worth can suffer so much that they deny themselves any form of self-love.
Development of ADHD shame
As a woman with ADHD, it is very likely that you have often been reprimanded or shamed for your behaviour, what you say or how you are. For most, this happens as early as childhood. An ADHD pupil hears thousands of critical remarks during their school life - from teachers, parents, family and friends. It goes without saying that this leaves emotional wounds.
ADHD children are often offended and although they often become acutely aware very early on that something is somehow different due to their pronounced sensitivity, they are hardly able to develop new or different behaviours. Nevertheless, they never tire of trying to find "new ways" to gain acceptance. Unfortunately, the journey as an ADHD child is not always crowned with success and at some point even the happiest of beings becomes sad and sorrowful.
As a result, children often either become defiant and hot-tempered, or they withdraw completely and despair inwardly. I personally know both scenarios very well from my childhood and youth. The fact that we want to avoid this constant feeling of shame and the associated thought of "I'm wrong" makes a lot of sense from a self-preservation perspective. At some point, I just had enough. I was so fed up with all this monkey business of trying to somehow impress others.
Many ADHD sufferers feel this way, but unfortunately by then they have already suffered so many psychological and traumatic injuries that this little voice inside them believes that they are wrong. As an adult, in a performance-oriented society like ours, this often results in an inner battle with yourself to increase your self-worth through achievement and performance.
Performance, shame, performance, shame
To be appreciated and accepted, you have to achieve something.
Create, work, achieve!
For many of us, this belief is set in stone. But for us neuro-spicy ADHD women, it is much more strenuous to perform and celebrate success in a society that was made by and for neurotypical people. So there are already several structural hurdles that neurodivergent women have to face. As a woman with ADHD, you have to work a lot harder to achieve the same results as your "normal" girlfriend. So for years you just try so hard until you get to the point where you ask yourself: "What's wrong with me? Why do others seem to master all this effortlessly?" And then the shame sets in again, digging at your own self-worth. Unfortunately, many people with ADHD decide to "just work even harder", but this only reinforces the inner pressure to perform and the belief that "you can't do it after all". And so the vicious circle starts all over again.
Be a cycle breaker!
But how do you get out of this vicious cycle of shame, performance, stress and striving for perfection?
My recommendation here is clearly a three-pronged approach, whereby you break the vicious circle with various methods and interventions on the body, mind and soul (i in other words on a somatic, mental and emotional level). If you would like to know more about this approach, read on here.
If your stress levels are high or extremely high (anything above an 8 on a stress scale of 1-10), you should pull the emergency brake. What this looks like for you specifically depends on the context. If your day is very stressful, it could mean going out into nature and stopping the stress-inducing actions immediately. If you have already been suffering from extreme stress for days, weeks or even months, it may mean calling in sick, visiting your GP or taking a holiday.
As ADHD women, we generally have a higher sympathetic vagus tone. This means that our "fight-flight" nervous system tends to be overactive and we are more likely to be tense. However, this tension can quickly become too much, which can lead to severe overload. Unfortunately, it can happen that when you take a break or a holiday, you can't really relax at all. The ADHD system is so used to experiencing tension that relaxation has a threatening effect on a somatic level. Threatening in the sense that relaxation and "doing nothing" often lead to spiralling thoughts and ruminations, which in turn can trigger anxiety. Nevertheless, it is important to teach your body to trust in peace again. I can coach you 1:1 on how to do this. However, additional traumatisation can also prevent the body from relaxing.
On a mental level, it can help to keep reminding yourself that there are structural reasons why you can't "keep up" and that it is your need for approval through performance that forces you into the hamster wheel. Once you have understood these external and internal factors for yourself, you can better perceive and observe your behaviour. The aim is to reconnect with yourself again and again and ask yourself: "What is the current source of my endeavours? Am I honestly enjoying it or am I trying to achieve something else?" It's actually very intriguing how often I catch myself falling into this perfectionist mode. A loudly spoken STOP to myself or even a kind pep talks to myself helps me here.
As soon as you perceive a feeling of shame on an emotional level, many things may happen at once: your ADHD brain starts to ponder and you question yourself and your competence on the one hand and on the other hand you may ask yourself why shame "still" occurs in you, even though you have been working on yourself for so long. If this or a similar spiral of thoughts starts, it helps to say something like: "I'm realising how I judge my shame and myself." It is primarily about describing what is happening to you internally, and you can also describe physical experiences. Self-awareness in this form immediately brings you back to the present and grounds you. An emotion is usually processed within two minutes, unless we cling to it through a story or our body. Shame as such is initially a feeling, like any other, and can also be felt. A mindful and gentle approach to yourself here is what you can learn in ADHD coaching with me.
Be a cycle breaker.
Be a cycle breaker.
In a nutshell:
The journey through the entanglements of ADHD and shame is a complex and often painful one. However, in coming to terms with these feelings also lies the possibility of self-acceptance.
It is important to realise that while shame and guilt can occur, they are not necessarily rationally based. Rather, they are often the result of deeply rooted beliefs and social norms to which we feel subjected.
Escaping the vicious cycle of performance, shame and self-doubt requires a holistic approach. It means accepting yourself on a physical, mental and emotional level and understanding that your own worth is not dependent on external achievements.
Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel your feelings without letting them overwhelm you. Allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them instead of judging yourself.
And above all: be a cycle breaker! Break out of the vicious circle and organise your life according to your own principles. You are unique and valuable just the way you are.
Let's work together to overcome shame and live a life full of self-love, acceptance and fulfilment.
